Pumpkins Don't Smile
by shathereal
Summary: Lina Inverse doesn't care for the ordinary life of settling down. She's not fond of jack-o-lanterns either. Halloween fic for Slayers Halloween 2015.


"Maaaamaaaa!" A child wailed, "That mean lady Lina kicked my pumpkin!"

"Sorry, kid!" Lina Inverse called over her shoulder as she ran down the winding cobbled path, trying to swallow a familiar bitter pang when encountering children. She didn't mean to kick the kid's pumpkin. Well, maybe if she had known it belonged to a kid. Lina had tried to resist the urge to kick one of those smiling pumpkins-the operative word being _tried_ because success is another thing entirely.

Why anyone would waste time carving faces into pumpkins was beyond Lina. Ever since the Outer World opened a decade ago, some of their stranger traditions made their way to the land previously ensconced by the Monster barrier. Carved pumpkins, for example. Pumpkins with faces, faces with eerie smiles, now lined the streets during this time of year. And she hated those pumpkins.

Lina ducked into an oddities shop to hide from the kid's cries and others' judgmental glares, something she was used to after a few years of living in one place. Here in this shop were shelves of jars, figurines, and knick-knacks piled upon each other on a very over-stuffed wall. Yep, she could kill some time here. Every which way she turned, there was something to run into-an old stove, a large vase, a copper rooster. Even some of the silly autumnal traditions of the Outer World made their way into the shop-fake cobwebs, puppets of ghouls, and of course, more of those smiling pumpkins. Lina rolled her eyes and edged her way to a nook just around a corner of particularly stacked shelves. Good thing Gourry was at their home on the other side of town. Everything in this cramped store would be knocked over in a heartbeat.

A book on a particularly sagging shelf caught her eye and elicited a gasp. Adorned on the cover was the symbol of Ruby Eye. As she flipped open the cover, her eyes widened in greedy delight.

It was a spellbook, and judging from Lina's initial skim, full of advanced magic. And although she was certain it wasn't a Claire Bible manuscript, these spells looked useful and there were several she hadn't even heard of! Lina looked around for a shopkeeper. None. She couldn't just leave this book behind... couldn't let it get in the wrong, or worse, inept hands. Nuh-uh, nope, couldn't have that. Tucking the book under her arm, Lina tip-toed her way out of the shop and made it safely out the door.

The sky seemed drearier than before Lina entered the shop, grey clouds hanging oppressively low. She walked a few blocks before coming upon her favorite park. Trees whose leaves were dying lined the edges of a forlorn reflecting pool, a shadow of better, greener times. Lina plopped down by one of the trees to give this spellbook a good once over, eager to see what great sorcery secrets lay inside.

She held her breath as she turned each page. This spellbook was better than she could've imagined. Some of the spells outlined made Dragon Slave look like child's play. It was hard to contain her glee, as she squealed turning page after page. How in the world did this spellbook end up in a little oddities shop and in her current hometown, no less? And then right before her eyes, the words started disappearing off the pages. She watched in awe and confusion as the writing disappeared and reappeared.

"Huh?!" Lina cried, flipping the book's pages. Scrambled characters and ancient writing danced away as the pages flew underneath her fingertips. Lina stopped at a blank page when a flood of ancient text suddenly magick'ed itself onto the page. She watched carefully as the letters started to re-order themselves into something readable.

 _Zelas Phalanx._

Lina had perfected Zelas Brid _ages_ ago. Come on, she is a gorgeous sorcery genius, after all! Out of the all the spells she expected this book to share, it certainly wasn't an advanced version of one she knew already. It just goes to show what a genius, and a cute one at that, she is, Lina decided.

Greater Beast Zelas Metallium had fascinated Lina when she began her black magic studies as a child. After her first few run-ins with Monsters, Lina assumed Zelas must've had a different agenda from the other Monsters, surely preferring laying low. A notion that was blown apart when Lina figured out that the Zelas' Priest (henceforth known as Lina's Pain in the Ass), was indeed Zelas', not Phibrizzo's. Lina had decided that if anything, Beastmaster was lazy, letting her minion do all the dirty work for her. Nevertheless, Lina enjoyed casting Zelas Brid, despite the energy suck. Nothing a hearty meal or three couldn't fix.

Zelas Phalanx, on the other hand, required a greater deal of energy, according to the now properly ordered words in front of her. But that was the least of Lina's concerns as she continued to read the spell and fantasized about the way that the single predatory beam of power suddenly multiples and chases enemies in its path like the wolf on the hunt. Lina grinned, envisioning all sorts of destruction she could wreak with this spell. The daydream of bandits begging for mercy as her power chased them was so real and palpable that she didn't feel an arm encircle her 'round her left side. She noticed, however, when a nauseatingly familiar voice whispered into her ear:

"My, my. I'm afraid this book is not for you, Miss Lina."

Speak of the fucking devil.

 _Xellos._

"Hey!" Lina grabbed at the book that he was gingerly pulling out of her hands, but somehow managed to twist herself into a position where she was 95% sure his hand grazed her chest. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment and fury, but mostly fury.

"Ah, pardon my reach, Miss Lina!' His face was in it's all too-familiar wide smile, even though half of his corporeal form was hanging out of a vortex. Lina narrowed her eyes. She wanted to punt the smile off his face, much like how the face of the pumpkin met its end earlier that day, right back to the astral side o' things.

"So you show up for the first time in years the second I find a good spellbook? I don't think so, Xellos." She said angrily, grabbing the book and grabbing it hard, causing Xellos to tumble out of his vortex. Or, he at least made it seem that way. She had never known him to be without a dramatic flair. Smirking from her success and at the Monster sprawled on the ground, Lina lifted herself up off the ground and tucked the book into her satchel.

"Miss Lina," he purr-whined, a tone of voice only she had only heard him manage, "Don't make me use force."

"This isn't the Claire Bible, Xellos," she retorted haughtily, "What could you possibly want with it?"

He opened his eyes (Oh great _,_ she thought to herself.) but kept a wry smile on his face as he stood up.

"Oh, right. Secret." she said dryly, not giving him a chance to speak, "You don't have to tell me that."

"Actually," Xellos responded sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck, eyes closed again, "I was going to say that Lord Beastmaster would not prefer a human such as yourself to draw upon her power." Lina's jaw dropped.

"What?! Beastmaster can't handle gorgeous sorcery geniuses tapping into her power?" Lina fumed. This was worse than a secret. This was an insult!

" _Lord_ Beastmaster," Xellos responded, "is a wealth of power that only those who are truly capable can fathom. Not just anyone can cast a spell such as the one you were admiring."

"Need I remind you and "Lord" Beastmaster that it was I, Lina Inverse, who perfected Zelas Brid when I was only 15?"

"And it was truly a sign of her generosity that she allowed you to do so," Xellos replied, maintaining his pleasantly neutral mask.

Lina scowled. She knew very well that it surely wasn't an issue of not being "worthy" - what a ludicrous idea. She was worthy enough to be manipulated into casting the Giga Slave. Hell, was there anything those lazy Monsters _didn't_ need her to do on their behalf?

Then something dawned on her: he was talking far too much. Xellos was most definitely up to something, and this discussion about Zelas was the distraction. Her anger morphed into pride at her sharp, quick thinking. Fine, if he wanted a distraction, she'd give him one.

"Teach it to me, then." She crossed her arms over her chest and stared up at him.

"Excuse me, Miss Lina?" Eyes still shut but the way his lip curled betrayed his confusion. Perfect.

"You heard me, Xellos. If it's such a great spell that Beastmaster doesn't want any person to cast it, then let me learn from who she'd consider the best. Besides her, I take it."

A sharp, cool breeze whistled, blowing his cloak and her long coat outward as dead leaves whipped past. Lina held her ground, expression resolute. Xellos wasn't going to get this book, no matter how hard he tried.

"Oh, Miss Lina, such flattery," he chuckled. Xellos opened his eyes, which glittered ominously and his smile disappeared. She stood her ground and only raised her eyebrows in response. Lina wasn't scared when he dropped the friendly priest act. Surely he knew that by now.

"You want to see Zelas Phalanx? Fine then."

He stepped towards her and took her by the hand when suddenly they were no longer by the tree.

She and Xellos were in a field, one on the edge of the village that she and Gourry called home, where a flock of birds loomed overhead.

He stepped back from her, eyes open and maintaining contact with hers. Lina shivered from the cold but checked her satchel for the spellbook. Yep, still there. Xellos closed his eyes, for once not because he was trying to hide, but out of reverence for the words that he whispered under his breath.

"Hey! Don't I need to hear the Chaos wor-" Lina began to interrupt when Xellos forcefully pressed the finger usually reserved for waggling "that's a secret" against her lips. If he wasn't showing her this spell, she was sorely tempted to bite it. It'd serve him right, especially after all the other times he had unnecessarily touched her mouth.

"ZELAS PHALANX!" he cried.

Lina's eyes widened as the ray of light that emitted from the fingertips of his other hand suddenly multiplied and hit every single bird that were unlucky enough to be in the sky at that very moment. She watched in awe as the birds cried their final caws and fell to the ground around them.

"Can you imagine…." Lina breathed, pushing Xellos' hand away from her face as visions of bandits being taken by complete surprise of the phalanx's ability to multiply danced in her head. No one would see it coming-people were so used to her trademark Dragon Slave that whipping out a Zelas Phalanx would certainly keep her enemies on their toes.

"You see, Lina, this spell requires quite a bit of magic, a wealth that I'm not sure even the gifts from Lord Ruby Eye would aid with." Lina looked down at the amplifiers she had so skillfully persuaded him into giving her when she was just 16 (even though it dawned on her after the fact that he _wanted_ her to have them, or at the very least, obligated to play along).

"That doesn't make sense!" Lina objected, "Ruby Eye is higher on the chart than Zel-

He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Lord Beastmaster!" she spat, waving her hands in exasperation. His face returned to the deceptively easygoing smile.

"it would require some assistance. But not the kind you're accustomed to," Xellos commented, looking up at the sky. At the snap of his fingers, another flock of birds came into view. He walked around Lina, standing behind her. Lina remained silent, watching him from the corner of her eye to see what would happen next.

He leaned in, placing one hand on her shoulder and the other on her wrist, tugging on it and gently extending her arm up. Lina began to feel a hum of magic from underneath his touch.

"Don't worry about the chaos words," he whispered in her ear, "You'll know when it's time."

Trying to shake her inner voice screaming "WHY ARE YOU TRUSTING HIM?!", Lina focused on the growing magic emitting from Xellos' touch. She felt the chaos of the black magic more distinctly than ever. It was as if someone had lifted a veil from her eyes, and she was truly seeing things as they were for the first time.

And honestly? The sensation felt… _good_. The magic crackled and pulsed in her veins in a pleasurable way that made her feel strong. Even though no sound crossed her lips, she could feel Xellos' magic was enough. The magic wound tighter in her veins, building up in her hands, creating a pressure that was on the verge of a burst.

"ZELAS PHALANX!" She heard herself scream, feeling the full intensity of the magic when it exited her fingertips in the ray of light that blistered off into multitudes. The release was dizzying, dizzyingly satisfying.

Lina's eyes widened as the newly-called upon flock of birds dropped one by one, next to their already deceased cousins. She wondered vaguely what the townspeople would think about the sudden rise in avian death. They'd be probably (rightfully) pin it on her.

"Holy shit," she panted, "that was awesome! But you know, Xellos, I can't count on you being around every time I want to cast that spell." She turned to see that Xellos had extracted himself from her.

That asshole was holding her satchel in one hand and her new book in the other.

"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the spell, Lina," Xellos purred, "but I'm afraid I do need this."

"Goddamnit, Xellos!" she snarled, lunging for the book, "Why on earth do you even need it?" She immediately regretted asking the question as soon it left her mouth.

"Now," he drawled, "that is a secret."

His face split into the familiar wide smile as he leaned forward to hand her the now book-less satchel and to Lina's surprise, kissed her on the lips, tenderly but mockingly lingering for a few seconds before disappearing.

Lina blinked, magic still tingling from her arms and now her mouth. His kiss left a bittersweet taste that reminded her of copper. She blushed, hoping it wasn't something Gourry would notice later as a tiny lick of anger ignited.

Lina turned and walked down the path leading back into town. She steadied her breathing, focusing on a mantra Gourry suggested to help with anger management. But some fool had lined the path with those goddamn stupid pumpkins with their stupidly carved faces. She frowned at the pumpkins, each seemingly taunting her with their happy facial expressions. Pumpkins don't fucking smile, she thought angrily.

She kicked the first pumpkin, its shell splitting into several mangled pieces upon impact. If only that pumpkin had been Xellos. Thinking about him just made her rage surge even more.

"PUMPKINS DON'T FUCKING SMILE!" she screamed as she kicked another pumpkin. Hands shaking, a bitter, metallic taste in her mouth only growing stronger. Lina realized at that very moment that she indeed knew the right words.

" _Youwholurkontheislandofwolves,youwhoareknownastheGreaterBeast,bestowuponmeyourpower,yourcunning,andyourferocity,YouandItogetherwillhuntuntilmineenemiesmeettheirendZELASPHALANX!_ " the words spilled quickly out of her mouth, as if they were finally being unleashed to attack their prey.

One by one, each pumpkin was smashed into bits as the bolt of energy pierced through them. Each goddamn smile wiped off those stupid pumpkins' faces. Energy expended from casting the spell without a sufficient aid, Lina felt her knees go weak, and she dropped to the ground.

Lina sat there on her knees for some time, breathing deeply. She wondered hazily if a spell drawing upon Zelas' power would work against Xellos or if it wouldn't work, or worse, worked against her.

"Lina!" cried out an anguished voice. Gourry. Dear, sweet, jellyfish-for-brains Gourry. "There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you."

Gourry was standing at the end of the path, looking utterly dumbfounded at the wake of her orange and pulpy destruction.

She looked up at her very concerned husband, the one who suggested they stick around in one village for a while. Lina tried to get her wits about her, but the energy drain from the spell and her anger made everything seem incoherent.

"Pu-pumpkins," she panted, "don't...fucking…smile." He stared at her, incredulous, worried. His eyes widened and face blanched at the bird graveyard behind her; however, in a rare moment of clarity, Gourry decided not to say anything. His wife clearly wasn't well.

"L-l-let's…" Gourry stammered and held out his hand to Lina, "Let's get you something to eat."

Accepting the assistance, Lina hoisted herself off the ground and nodded, still feeling lingering remnants of anger, still reeling from purity of the magic Xellos lent her. Gourry wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she his waist, very much needing the support.

A cold gust of air whipped past.

" _You're welcome,"_ whispered a disembodied but distinctly female voice that sounded as if it were coming from the wind. Lina shuddered and leaned closer to Gourry.

"Did you hear something?" Gourry asked, looking around.

"No," she lied, "Let's just get some food."

Yes, food will have to do.

For now, at least.

Author's notes

Inspiration directly came from this pic and this pic, and indirectly, this fic and Rainbow Rowell's Carry On (read it, it's so good!)

I didn't think I'd sail on the L/X ship again (my 13 year old self made a webshrine, fic, and everything), but then I re-discovered Slayers after 15 years, and weeee! Off I went.

I envisioned this fic as a Halloween fic, and such, I've been working on it for most of October. Then I was lurking on the Slayers tag on Tumblr, so in a pleasant random happenstance, I can contribute to Slayers Halloween challenge!


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